Celebrating a True Friendship

Today I celebrate the birthday of a dear friend. I want to share my thoughts and feelings about this relationship for the benefit of those that may seek or desire something similar.

It’s hard to believe it has been nineteen years since I met my friend Kara in a process work group called Awaken in the Dream. The group was a powerful place to meet someone because it was a space where members would share their vulnerabilities, dreams, and deepest inner processes with the intention of mutual healing, supportive reflection and building deep meaningful connections. Something I feel most of us long for but is all too elusive in our overly superficial society.

The group consisted of the same 10 or 12 people meeting once a week for several hours of sharing, support and reflection. The premise centered around an eastern spiritual perspective that our lives are like a dream and we are dream characters for each other reflecting different aspects of our psyche. The groups build a safe container where one can share and receive reflection from other members who might be ‘dreamed up’ to play a role that helps one break open their process and find meaning and resolution.

The group created a strong foundation for the creation of a lasting connection. After a couple of years in the group our connection evolved into a romantic relationship filled with both excitement at the potential of a more conscious relationship and many powerful experiences. Although we had some very difficult challenges that came from unresolved issues and wounds we were still working out.

However, even through the toughest of times there was a bond forming that would be honed by the fire of a deep desire to realize our freedom in connection.

After a relatively short but intense time, we decided to step away from the romantic aspect of our connection but that didn’t mean our relationship was over as it so often does for many. Quite the opposite, we remained close friends and continued to share our lives and grow together in a larger community that evolved from the dream groups.

A few years later, we moved in together to allow us to offer a new level of support to each other and navigate life with closer companionship.

Now, after nearly ten years of sharing a home, I feel an incredible sense of gratitude for the friendship we’ve cultivated. This relationship is a true partnership of equals, one that has been both powerful and healing as well as challenging but challenge tends to be required for growth.

The Depth of Friendship

One of the most beautiful things that Kara has helped me realize is the experience of real friendship. Before meeting her, I don’t think I fully understood what that could mean — the depth, the openness, and the sense of having someone who truly sees you as you are rather than who they want you to be.

Ours is a friendship based on intimacy without the complications of sex or enmeshment that often smothers traditional intimate relationships. This can lead to people losing themselves in the connection and suppressing their individuality in exchange for the perceived safety and security of being coupled along with a fear of losing the other person.

That is something that neither of us wanted or felt for was healthy for us especially given our past relationships. Yet we still wanted intimate loving relationship so our work became about building a heart-based connection where we could fully share ourselves and, in so doing, open our hearts even more while being free to be ourselves.

During this journey, we have been spiritual companions to each other. We share an understanding that life is a spiritual path meant for realizing and embodying our true nature, and though we don’t subscribe to any religion, our spirituality is woven with threads of eastern wisdom traditions, earth/nature-based beliefs, and a profound appreciation for the beauty of this universe we live in.

Kara and I have supported each other in our own individual growth while simultaneously creating a shared sacred space that is a kind of home I’ve never had before. In many ways, our connection has been like a mirror reflecting our individual inner worlds, holding space for each other’s turmoil as we grow and revealing areas where we have more to release.

We’ve pushed each other’s buttons relentlessly, listened deeply, offered compassionate support and sometimes called each other out when we slip into unconscious patterns. Having someone you trust who will give you hard honest reflection and call out controlling egoic behaviors is invaluable for one who wishes to realize inner peace and drop the burden of past conditioning.

Though it requires great courage and commitment.

Unconditional Love

Another invaluable lesson I’ve learned from Kara is the practice of unconditional love. We share a bond that allows us both the freedom to be completely ourselves. We love each other as we are — unconditionally, without needing to control or change one another. This kind of love is liberating and unlike anything I have ever experienced before with another person. It is love without enmeshment, a beautiful dance where each person can live freely as unique individuals yet remain one in the heart.

Community

Living together has given us the opportunity to create something unique, a kind of domestic partnership that has evolved into a micro-community. This sense of shared purpose, being at the core of each other’s community, has brought a deeper resilience to our lives. What we share has become the blueprint or foundation for expanding into larger community with others that remains heart based and centered on similar values of acceptance and authenticity.

In times of chaos, our partnership has been a foundation of stability, both emotionally and practically. Financially, sharing a home has made it possible for us to be more secure, and emotionally, it has provided a supportive environment where we both feel safe to go through the growing pains of becoming more fully and joyfully ourselves. Not an easy task in a world that conditions us in need gratification and attachment.

Spiritual Partnership

As I reflect on what Kara and I have built, I see it as a model for an alternate way of being in relationship. Ours is not the conventional image of partnership, but it is one that has been deeply satisfying. It offers an alternative to the typical idea that intimacy must involve romance, sex, or the goal of starting a family.

Kara and I have shown each other that deep intimacy is possible without those elements — a connection grounded in unconditional love, spirituality, personal growth and openness. It’s an approach to relationship that embraces honesty and authenticity with a willingness to be vulnerable in the service of opening the heart and stepping into our true power.

In a world that often emphasizes traditional roles with relationships, I feel that there is immense value in celebrating non-sexual intimate connections. There is so much potential in moving beyond our base needs and instead focusing on supporting each other in self-actualization.

By taking responsibility for our own emotional security and not making the other responsible for it, Kara and I have been able to meet each other as whole beings, without the neediness that can often cloud and constrict relationships. In doing so, we have found a deeper, more lasting connection, one that is loving, honest, and incredibly powerful but also quite spacious.

Today I celebrate my friend Kara and the beautiful bond we share. Thank you for being my true friend, my spiritual companion and my partner in this journey of growth and healing however long it lasts. You have brought much light and love into my life, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

May we continue to support each other, to grow, and to open our hearts even further as we walk the path home.

Happy birthday, my dear friend.