I recently had an intense insight into the core of my process of feeling like a worthless and undeserving human being. We had a holiday gathering where many members of our community came together to celebrate and infuse some light into the field. As the evening progressed we moved from socializing and partying into a dream circle, a place to share and get reflection on our processes which is part of what our community is based on. I was really enjoying the evening with my dear friends and had no intention of sharing or getting to anything in particular, was just flowing with the moment.
However I got into a process with a friend of mine where I was having a strong reaction of him in the role of an authority figure and reflecting to him how I felt he was disempowered. It then got reflected back to me by others that I had an incredibly intense energy behind my reaction to my good friend. It brought up a wave of almost overwhelming emotion and as I sat there with that, in front of about 25 people, being called out. A realization emerged which broke me. I realized that my process with authority figures comes from my experiences of being an authority figure myself and abusing that authority as well as taking destructive figures as role models early in life. This was especially relevant to my years as a teenager and my time in the military where I did things that I am deeply ashamed of. I was able to see clearly that because of my past I had internalized the belief that I am not a good person no matter how much spiritual blather I’m able to spew out. This sense of not being a good person came down to the thought that I cannot forgive myself for many things in my past and so I really don’t deserve to be here, I’m just pretending. I felt as if my heart had burst into a million pieces and I was completely vulnerable in front of a large group of people, some of whom I did not know well. I was seen and it felt like death.
In sitting with that the last few days I realize how powerful it was and that it was a culmination of a struggle I’ve been going through with many habitual patterns that I’m trying to be free of. These patterns have to do with how I show up in relationships with women, how willing I am to live my life fully, my process with money and abundance…really most of the major areas of my life. In this experience I saw a common thread in all of them, disempowerment. I saw that I have been disempowered in all of these areas and so not able to create what I truly want because I really at the deepest level did not believe I deserved it. The result of this has been repeating destructive patterns and addictions as a substitute for living a full life from my power. The ability to maintain those destructive patterns has broken down and created an edge where to move forward I have to die as who I have been. Stepping into a more healthy more empowered life means becoming a new person, someone I have never been before and have very little experience with. It means embracing the unknown.
I’m now seeing that my motivation in life has always been the path of the warrior. That motivation took a distorted form for a long time especially with my military experience. I was not capable to truly stepping into it because I fought my battles externally rather than within where the true path of the warrior lies. Now however its beginning to become clear just what being a warrior means; facing my darkness and wounds, stepping into my power, taking responsibility for my life, having the courage to face the unknown and live life fully. It means embracing fear and transforming it into fearlessness and living with an open heart. No matter how challenging my external experiences have been, nothing compares to the courage required to go to the core of the deepest wound and feel and embrace it, not to mention share it! I see now that the only path available to me is the path of the warrior, the true warrior. There is no other way to make it through the transformations that are occurring personally and collectively. It requires the strength, courage and fearlessness of a warrior. For me this is the representation of the Divine Masculine which when grounded in the Divine Feminine becomes a force of creative action rather than destruction.