Well its been an interesting process lately. I’ve let go of my counseling practice yet again. This was the second go at it but I was not able to attract the clients to make it work despite feeling great fulfillment in the work I did do with people. However I’ve come to realize that I do want to work with people and perhaps the reason why it hasn’t worked so far is that I have not quite found my approach to doing this work. The way I was doing it before even though it was labeled contemplative counseling and had eastern techniques incorporated into it was still mostly a traditional western approach or that is mostly talk therapy, work at a cognitive level and I don’t think that represents what I am here to offer. So I’ve let go yet again to allow spirit to guide me and focus my attention on my own unfolding path in the present moment with trust that I will see guidance when it is needed. Trust is such a primary factor in my day to day experience now.
In the meantime I’ve been attempting to do various types of odd jobs including general labor type gigs, yard work and some of my old technology type work with mixed results. It has been very frustrating because even after putting a great deal of effort into these things they seem to yield little financial return and instead produce the most bizarre experiences. Like the other day when I went to help a woman with her yard and felt completely ill at ease working there and then dreamed her up to be displeased with how fast I was working. After I accidentally pulled up her sunflowers in an awkward attempt at weeding she freaked out on me and I proceeded to remove myself from the situation and head off down the street feeling like I had certainly stepped into the most freaked out world imaginable. I’m giving these kinds of jobs a chance in any case to bring in some resources as my current goal is to be able to provide for my own food and expenses prior to getting a place. The jobs are coming in it will simply be a practice of being present when I’m at them and focusing on the work and being of benefit to the person as best as I can as well as look at what these experiences have to reflect to me about where I’m at and what I’m putting out there.
I took this process to my group the other night and shared my frustration around livelihood and the reflection I go was being asked the question, what is it I really want to do right now. My answer when money is put aside is to do spiritual practice, to meditate, so the group suggested I put aside a few days to do just that and maybe a clearer direction would emerge out of that. Seems like a no brainier its just the fear is an obstacle so much of the time and clearly is also coming up as the part of me, the ego, that does not want me doing intensive spiritual practice. Resistance. Well I’m going to do some of the things I’ve been wanting to do including spending some time meditating several days in fact, taking a mushroom journey in the park on the next nice day we have and doing an urban vision quest by spending a night wandering the streets. Am I sounding crazy yet? Yes/No? Well I am to me, except that one of my teachers says when you walk the path you indeed become crazy because you identify with mind less and less so your actions and decisions don’t make sense at a rational level because thats not where they are coming from. Hmmmmm makes me wonder what the difference is between going crazy and awakening. Oh wait yes the difference is awareness, is one aware and conscious of what is happening or have they lapsed into unconsciousness. I’ll let you know…..